Reputation Is A
by Wicked Child
Summary: [Crack!Fic rated as such for language] It's difficult for one such as Uchiha Itachi to keep his reputation intact especially when all he really wants to do is be himself. His true self.


**Disclaimer: **All characters, names, and likeness belong to M. Kishimoto, Viz, and some other big dogs that have more money than I. No profit is being made. And it's a bit of crack.

**AN:** First and foremost I love and adore both the Uchiha brothers. I'm not being malicious but poking fun at characters I honestly love in the Naruto series. Spawned by an IM conversation between Caliborn and myself (it really all started from a form of 'hello' between us). This is lovingly dedicated to her!

**Reputation Is A Bitch**  
by Wicked Child

They all thought they knew. They really did, and you never told them any different. You didn't bother to correct their misperceptions because…well you didn't know why you didn't bother to correct them you just didn't.

Lazy perhaps?

No. Not lazy at all. It amused you to no end, not that anyone could ever tell, that your compatriots thought they knew why and speculated whenever a disagreement arose.

If they knew the truth, would they treat you differently? Would you be ridiculed by those that once respected you and perhaps worshiped you? One day would you be forced to endure muffled laughter as you passed by in the hallways? Snide remarks made at your expense without fear of what would befall those for making such jokes about you?

So in lieu of becoming the butt of anyone's joke, you kept it all to yourself. Including your favorite lines from your favorite movie. It wouldn't do to have the most feared Uchiha going around asking, "Do I make you horny? Do I? Do I make you randy?"

All effect would be lost. Even with the Mangekyou being utilized.

But your little brat of a brother kept asking you whenever your paths unfortunately crossed.

"Why'd you kill our clan Itachi? Why? Why? Why?"

Your little brother was the main reason you decided to not have children because of that one question. Why?

"_Why is the sky blue Itachi?"_

"_God didn't like chartreuse."_

"_What's chartreuse?"_

"_The color God didn't like."_

"_Why is the grass green?"_

"_It ate something bad and got sick."_

"_What about the brown grass? Or yellow grass?"_

"_Different sorts of food."_

"_Oh."_

"_Hey Itachi, where do babies come from?"_

"…_."_

"_Brother?"_

"_Apparently our father was a pimp."_

"_What about other father's? Are they pimps too?"_

"_No. They're pirates and therefore suck."_

"_So why do pirates suck?"_

On and on the boy went with his insipid questions.

So one time, when the idiot asked you why you killed the clan you just said it before you even knew what you were doing.

"I'm a sexy bitch. That's why."

The look on his face was priceless and you thanked the God you didn't believe in for giving you a partner like Kisame who whipped out his portable camera and snapped a few shots. He later claimed it was for posterity's sake. You knew he just liked selling them on the internet. They fetched a fair price and the two of you were constantly being bothered by Kakuzu for a piece of the pie.

But you didn't like him. He was a cash whore and that was so far beneath you. So if Kisame didn't tell him to go to hell you succinctly told him to either stuff it or fuck off and die.

You sometimes felt bad – though not really as in you'd be hard pressed to admit sympathy for anyone and by that you meant you'd have to be crushed underneath a fucking huge boulder and therefore dead - for Hidan because whenever you used the latter phrase, Hidan had to deal with a very pissy partner in his bedroom. You were certain Hidan had an entire prayer book dedicated to you and your demise.

Yet the stupid younger brother of one you refused to let his question and revenge go by the wayside. That meant enduring more tortuous questions and even a genius such as yourself starts to find it difficult in coming up with answers. But you tried anyway no matter how outlandish the answers were – and woe to the person that compared you to that idiot Hatake who didn't deserve the Sharingan even if it was just in one eye…the poser – because you didn't want to admit the truth.

And then the fateful day came.

Your patience was about as thin as rice paper. Your anger levels had risen to new heights due to being asked – forced – to spend some quality time with Tobi and Zetsu. Plant boy didn't bother you because he could keep himself busy just by talking to himself and you had to admit amusement because it was like watching two schizophrenics have a conversation at a party. Tobi on the other hand…. All questions, and tugging of the sleeve or cloak and you swore he said "no da!" more times than you'd like to count and a few times he threw in a "dattebayo" to mix it up a little. He reminded you of your brother.

Except this time you'd kill the little fuckwit.

Claiming claustrophobia you excused yourself from your two comrades and went outside. Only to fine the fuckwit, his fuckwit best friend, and his hot mama of a girlfriend waiting for you. Oh and that poser. Fucker.

You want to thank the hot mama of a girlfriend – but don't - because she indirectly helped you get the Mangekyou Sharingan. Had your best friend not informed you that it was wrong to stalk the cute little pink haired classmate of your younger brother until she was at least sixteen, you would not have killed him and thereby obtained the MS. That idiot wasn't the boss of you but hey, at least in his death you got a new toy to play with.

Uncle Joey always said that you'd go blind if you used your hand too much. Too bad he didn't warn you of the dangers of the Mangekyou before you killed him. Such was life. As you dictated.

But there they were, spouting off one thing or another except the hot mama of a girlfriend who just glared and clenched her fist. Poser wasn't saying anything either and was glaring but you could tell he wanted his porn. You almost laughed when you realized that the main reason Hatake used the Sharingan was because he needed help in the getting laid department. Total poser.

"What you staring at Sakura-chan for you asshole!"

You ignore the runt that's evaded your capture and pose a question of your own to the girl.

"How old are you?"

A little confused but being an honest and good girl – you know she's a good girl because Sasuke was a little confused virgin and you thought he should borrow some of the porn from the poser – she answers you. "I'm fifteen and a half."

"Close enough."

So you do what you normally wouldn't and kidnap her. It'd be easier to stalk her if she was within reach. But you regret that action when you hear your brother ask, "Why? Why did you have to take her too?"

You don't want to dignify that with a response so you ignore him and shoot the breeze with Hatake. Hell the girl wasn't complaining.

But the brother you didn't kill persists and you just answer in a rather irritable tone, "Daddy likes the pink!"

_Click. Flash. Click. Flash. Click. Flash._

Again you thank the God you don't believe in for Kisame who had returned from his little errand. You promise yourself to give the man as much maiming time as you possibly could and enough allowance money to finally buy the digital camera he'd been lusting after for the better part of a year. You knew he'd have fun using Photoshop on Hatake to give girls a thrill on what he might actually look like under the mask.

You've seen him without the mask.

He wasn't anything special. But then you didn't really care because he was a poser and older and just…ew.

Unfortunately, admitting to liking pink prompted a rather angry outburst from your little brother. And he asked that question.

Again.

"Why? Why did you kill our clan?"

You snap. You can take it no longer. Your mouth starts to move and sound comes out forming words and sentences that detail the truth about that night.

"You wanna know why? Do you? Yes you do. Of course you do. I did it because they didn't like my impressions. I don't know how you could forget it. But remember karaoke night? Yeah. I do. I didn't like to sing because I sounded like a frog on speed. So I got permission to do a different kind of performance.

"I did impressions. I got pretty good at one in particular. But Mom and Dad didn't like me going around saying, 'Cause I'm the Weasel! Huhuhuhu!' They didn't even like my Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis Jr. Impressions. What the hell would they know anyway? They liked to pretend they were Sonny and Cher."

You ignore the shocked expressions and the tape recorder being shoved in your face by that oh so powerful leader of Akatsuki. You just let it all out.

"I mean they liked your stupid impression of being a baby. They never once took into account that you were in fact a baby. Cry baby Sasuke. That was you! And I just couldn't take it after they forbade me from doing Pauly Shore. They _forbade_ me Sasuke. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? So I killed them. I killed them all. They deserved it. Wouldn't know a speck of talent if it bit 'em on the ass or fell on their faces and wiggled."

For effect you add, "Fuckers."

The area is silent. Had there still been any critters in the area that lived, they would not have contributed a sound. Much blinking and brains processing and your stewing in memories took precedence for several minutes. And then:

"You've got to fucking be kidding me!"

You knew you should have killed your brother when he was whiny baby. Oh wait….

"Well you asked!"

"I can't believe this!" And then your brother goes on a tirade which you ignore unless you hear your name and the word 'loser' in the same sentence. Then you make your own retorts while being voted out of the Akatsuki for being such a pansy, cry baby bitch. Even Tobi looks down on you. In your rebuttal Deidara's hand tells you to talk to it because no one else was listening.

Then the hot mama girlfriend extracts herself from being wrapped around your body in your cloak and says, "I'm sorry but despite being a real sexy bitch, you kinda suck. I'm going back to Sasuke-kun. He might suck at actual romance but he does a mean Barry Manilow. His Barry Gibb ain't bad either."

You're losing everything in one fell swoop. The badass reputation. The fear. The awe and respect and worship. The recently acquired hot mama girlfriend. They even took the cloak! And the ring! Dear God not the hat!

The fuckwit best friend is laughing at you and calling you a loser and no talent ass clown. The brother turns his back on you and starts making out with his pink haired hottie.

You weakly call out, "Sakura-san!"

Hatake kneels down next to you and says, "Honesty is usually the best policy. In your case, it wasn't. I think we'll let you live in your own misery. Jackass."

And then you're suddenly alone. You stay there for days not knowing what to do or where to go. But through your depressed haze you remember something from the Uchiha Karaoke night.

It was perfect. It was brilliant. It was the next phase in your life.

Konoha Idol.

The world had not heard the last of Uchiha Itachi!

**The end.**


End file.
